Yep, those are the words I heard come out of my friends mouth just recently. "My husband is suck a dick!" When I asked her what she meant, she described all of the things he was doing wrong . . . not saying thank you to her for all her hard work, treating her like she was his "buddy", not picking up his dirty clothes, expecting dinner by 5:30 every night, sitting around with his hands in his pants watching tv while she did the dishes, laundry, homework with the kids and all the other routine items, expecting sex all the time (at which point she said "What? Does he think I am some sort of machine? Push a button and whala! Sex goddess ready for action!"). She went on to describe how he breathes, turns on the lights when she is trying to rest, can never find the remote and doesn't even know how to operate the damn dishwasher (her words, not mine).
The entire time my friend was talking, I kept thinking, this could be any one of us. We get so used to the daily responsibilities, that we forget, it gets tiresome, monotonous and more importantly . . . forgotten by our partners. I am the most guilty of this. I often forget that Ladd puts in 12-14 hour days, then comes home exhausted. I think because I worked hard, I shouldn't be expected to continue working when I come home exhausted.
I remember when we first got married, I got up each morning made coffee and breakfast, packed his lunch, ironed his clothes and sent him out the door for the day. I remember the exact moment when I discovered the 10 or so uneaten lunches sitting in his car. I remember feeling betrayed and unappreciated. Reality check? My husband never used to eat breakfast before marriage, so when he filled up on breakfast, he wasn't hungry for lunch. He just didn't want to hurt my feelings. We talked it out and decided coffee for breakfast and a few lunch snacks for the road would keep him satisfied and still hungry for dinner.
I have also found that if I allow my husband to treat me a certain way, he will continue doing so out of ignorance and vice versa. Point in case, I was raised in a home where I was called names on a regular basis. The names were meant to pick fun and weren't intended to be mean, but they were sooo hurtful. How do you tell your dad that being called fat at 85 pounds in the 6th grade really sucks and that in turn you starved yourself to fit an image which you thought was perceived? (Yes, I kept harbored feelings for a verrry long time, forgiveness isn't easy). I carried this name calling trait into my marriage. Anytime I get mad, I easily spew out some rude derogatory, unthoughtful comment or name. It took my husband THREE years before he finally told me he didn't want to be called an asshole any longer, that it hurt his feelings. It took me another three years to stop saying that when I was angry. I am still a work in progress.
Communication, communication, communication is what I have learned helps us. Sometimes it means we take a quiet walk in the field to clear our thoughts or we may holler a bit and then calm ourselves down. Either way, we are talking it out.
I honestly don't think my husband fits into the awful husband category, actually, he is pretty awesome. We have each accepted certain roles which we feel comfortable. I have assumed most of the domestic duties while he has assumed the financial support duties. He is a pretty awesome handyman, one of the kindest souls you will ever meet, holds a pretty stern hand when needed, snuggles like a fluffy teddy bear, and makes the best breakfast around. He holds our family together and often forces me to be better than I could ever try to be. He holds me accountable for my actions and I do the same for him. What keeps us connected? Coffee and talks at 5 am and holding hands while laying in bed talking ourselves to sleep.
To my husband, I love you babe!
